Metaphorically yours..

The pen is mightier than the sword, and the metaphor is one of the strongest products that a pen can conceive. For people very anal about their grammar, obviously when I say metaphor, I implicitly also refer to all analogical literary devices. Metaphors buy you precious time in tricky situations (Riddles in the Dark anyone?), they can easily add insult to injury, and employed in literature, lower the temperature of the literary piece by a significant bit.(Um..make it cool, in other terms :P. This however is because metaphors make writing difficult to understand and anything that people do not get is uber cool, by definition.)

Here's a thought. Metaphors also create a sense of unity, a sense of brotherhood if you will. It's pretty much the same with jokes too. Here's how, I make a decent joke because I'm smart, now you got the joke and laughed at it, ergo, you're smart too. And smart people tend to get along very, very well. Maybe we could you know, work towards winning a Nobel jointly or something, who knows?

The confusion, or the fun, as far as the observers are concerned, occurs when the (do forgive the usage of the terms to follow, it's just that using them gives me the kicks) Metaphor-er and the Metaphor-ee cease to be on the same wavelength and hence the Metaphor in question is labeled a bad one. And when this happens, chaos reigns.

What could be more fun, as a few of us friends discovered one fine evening, is interpreting dialogues from films as metaphors. Most dialogues can be interpreted in more than just the context they're meant to be relevant to. Want examples? Always at your service,

Star Wars,

• 'I have a bad feeling about this' -used in the bedroom or in the toilet.
• 'I love you.''I know.' -used in a Bollywood movie.
• 'May the force be with you' -used in a physics assignment, or at a game of cards(read force as fours in which case).
• 'Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size do you?' - Amazing how I cannot think of a non sexual connotation for this, try as hard as I might.
• 'Twilight is upon me, and soon night must fall. That is the way of things, the way of the Force' - Somehow, the word Twilight repulses me, not funny.
• 'I am your father' - I dunno, 20 years after a Kumbh Mela perhaps?

The Lord of the Rings

• 'The wizard arrives precisely when he means too.' -This one I'll leave to speculation. Hint: the word 'arrives' :P
• 'The Dark Lord Sauron..yadda yadda' -if this isn't racist, nothing is.
• 'The Black Riders!' -And just when you thought nothing could be more racist.
• 'Three rings for the elven kings...' - Let's say Jack Nicholson was hired to voice the opening lines from The Fellowship. He'd probably go about it like, Three fucking Rings for the fucking Elven-kings under the fucking sky,
  Seven for the fucking Dwarf-lords in their fucking halls of stone,
  Nine for fucking Mortal Men doomed to fucking die,
  One for the Dark fucking Lord on his dark fucking throne
  In the Land of fucking Mordor where the fucking Shadows lie.
  One fucking Ring to rule them all, One fucking Ring to find them,
  One fucking Ring to bring them all and in the fucking darkness bind them
  In the Land of fucking Mordor where the fucking Shadows lie.
  
  

More soon.

Becoming successful at supervillany..for Dummies.

It's amazing how many superheroes are there, and for every superhero you have at least half a dozen unique (super)villains. It's somewhat amazing that while almost no superhero is all powerful, most supervillains have a very tough time facing up to these (forgive the metaphor) sacks full of crap. My sympathies lie not with the hero who well, for one, almost always gets the girl, it lies with the antagonist who's never experienced true love and whose only aim is world domination. Obviously there are villains with other motives, but you see, once world domination is achieved, everything else can happily fall into place. The idea behind the guide is to create a sort of primer for anybody who wishes to be a supervillain, obviously this won't take care of everything, just quite a healthy lot.

The supervillain kit

• A mirror: For all sorts of rays and lasers. Most worthy neutralisations(MWN's) - Superman and Shaktimaan.
• A stick of kryptonite crystal. -The end of Superman.
• Minions with Guns. MWN's -Heroes with no superpowers, notably Batman, the Phantom etc.
• A Neogenic Recombinator and a large attractive female Tarantula. MWN's -Spiderman.
• A cortosis sword. The entire Star Wars universe.
• A large magnet. MWN's -Wolverine among other heroes with metallic costumes.
• The anti-mutating agent to the X-gene. MWN's the X Men, and other mutated superheroes. Some'd say Spiderman too, but hey, he's just easier to get with the female spider.
• A trip wire. MWN's -Flash.
• AT-AT's. MWN's -Flash Gordon.
• Anti venom for snake toxins. MWN's -Nagraj.
• A couple of bitches. MWN's -Doga.
• A couple of hot chicks. MWN's -Iron Man.

Do's and Dont's

Always,

• Press the big red button already.
• Run for your life if you see a little green creature spouting bad grammar rushing towards.
• If you're gonna inject a toxin, do it NOW.
• Cover vulnerabilities in your large space station with wooden planks.
• Have a backup power supply.
• Close all renegade wormholes to alternate universes. (Universes? :P)
• Check your mathematical calculations for stupid errors.
• Equip the robots you make with a fail safe self destruct mechanism.

Don't ever,

• Mess with Chuck Norris or Rajnikanth.
• Insult Lois Lane.
• Pity Batman.
• Say something on the lines of, 'With great power, yadda yadda..'
• Laugh like the joker.
• Make an anti venom for the toxin you invented.
• Even if you do have an anti venom, just don't reveal where it's kept, to anybody.
• Feel sorry for the plants/birds/minions you lose.
• Stand close to a wormhole that leads to an alternate universe.
• If possible, stay away from the WAG's, it just seems to make them madder.

Obviously this list is countably infinite and additions are possible. But if you're looking to invest in a career as a supervillain, a little headstart wouldn't hurt would it?

SUCKY-MAN

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Oh wait..yep it is.”

/*

Disclaimer :
While this act of blasphemy might not go down very well with the Superman fanboys, this is a risk I’ve got to take for reasons I shall explain soon. If I do end up getting lynched in a public place, my lawyer(s) will know who to (pur?)sue.

*/

Let’s begin by facing a truth, shall we? And this truth, believe it or not, involves you. The thing is that I happen to know that you sir, are a geek. Don’t ask me how. It’s just one of those things you know.

(For example, if you were to find one fine day that the food in the mess is um..tolerable, you’d know for a fact that one of two things have occurred, a) you’re in a dream or b) you’ve somehow managed to get yourself transported to a parallel universe. Any other possibilities that you come up with can mathematically be shown to be equal to either of these two, I'd go into the space-time calculations here, but it's what people love to call, 'out of scope').

Anyway, not to be digressing, working on the more than decent assumption that you’re a geek, it’d be logical to surmise that you’d have a favourite superhero. And if that’s Superman, you’re in for a treat.

If you were to sit back and spend some time thinking of reasons about why Superman is well..just lame, I’d bet that you’d come up with quite a few. Here's a few I could think of,

• The Hairstyle. Not only is Superman's hairstyle out of fashion since the 1960's, it's something that looks just about decent almost exclusively on a pet poodle. It's probably okay though if Superman's actually a transvestite or something, anyone know for sure?

• The Disguise. A disguise Lex Luthor's grandchild would have seen through. Too bad he doesn't have one.

• The Name. A name that he probably should have had changed or something. I mean come on, if it wasn't enough that he wears bright red knickers on a skin tight blue thingy, the dude calls himself Superman! Even if it were the people who gave him the name, everybody has rights. An affidavit to change one’s name doesn’t take much time, does it?

• The IQ. Or let's just say, the lack of it. Speculatively, it should be somewhere around just lesser than Forrest Gump's, likely equal to Megan Fox's.

• The Melodrama. If only you could win girls over by catching them while they fell from high rise structures...we'd at least know for sure what works..

• The Outfit. A RED cape. BLUE tights. RED knickers worn over his pants. Enough said.

Reasons enough? I guessed as much :P

The above borrows heavily from a Batman vs Superman conversation I had with a friend a few days back. Hope I've proven a point.

On Life, the Universe and Everything.

42.

THAT IS MAHALAKSHMI!

(If you're a retard, or you're slightly off the rocker, avoid going to Texas. The 'slow' people as they're called there, get the chair, no questions asked. No seriously they do, no kidding.)

Before the retard catchers from Texas arrive at my doorstep, let me clarify. 'THAT IS MAHALAKSHMI' was what this huge poster I saw yesterday read. What was weird was where...on the college main stage. Most people found this stupid, because it was, and annoying, because they'd blocked the winding road through the rocks which people generally took and everybody had to use the longer route.

For some unfathomable reason however, I found this incredibly funny and broke into laughter when I first saw this..this..abomination. Pretty similar to how every dark cloud has a silver lining blah blah blah, most occurrences have a funny side. And this isn't just philosophy, it's hard fact. We've always been preaching about how 'taking lite' was the better thing to do, how many times have we 'taken lite' ourselves? (For people who don't know what 'taking lite' is, shame on ye' fellers!)

I could give you say..6 reasons why this poster is hilarious. No? Here goes.

• Picture this. A film company travels 40 kms to the outskirts of Hyderabad to an engineering college, just to put up a large 10 feet by 10 feet poster which says.....'THAT IS MAHALAKSHMI! ' :D
• Try as hard as you might, it's kinda hard to think of what context this could be used in a movie. Knowing Tollywood films however, if they had a song sequence where they repeated 'THAT IS MAHALAKSHMI!' over and over while gyrating in front of the poster in question, I for one, wouldn't be surprised. That the locals would love this, is probably even funnier :P
• I know, a thought bubble! Like for example, our hero sees his long lost love or something after a long time. How do we know what he's thinking? 'THAT IS MAHALAKSHMI!'
• Or it could just be wrong grammar. They probably meant 'THIS IS MAHALAKSHMI!' instead of 'THAT IS MAHALAKSHMI!'. Publicizing the fact that you've no idea how simple English Grammar works on a very large poster is just plain and simple awesome.
• Or it could be something that makes sense. Like when the film ends, and the director(probably somebody called Mahalakshmi) expects everyone to be touched or crying or something. (Trust me, doesn't take much to touch people around here :P) And he signs off saying something like, 'See? THAT IS MAHALAKSHMI!' Makes sense, but still funny.

Did I say 6 reasons? Everybody lies :P

Poli-Poli...

I just had to do one on the elections. It's all the rage now, and everybody else's doing it. Because I feel very divided, not to add undecided on the issue, I'll do both sides of a debate. Imagining a whole conversation could sound creepy, not to add pretty tough to some, but it's a matter of habit really. For practice, imagine you're having one with Scarlet Johansson, it helps :P

Me:

While we have had enough of people bitching about why so-and-so's manifesto sucks ass and why 'NONE' is the best choice to pick in this year's campus elections, not most of our grievances are unjust. We've seen just about enough of how dirty politics can get. We've seen almost everything possible, from people licking first-year-student ass to people trying to manipulate us, begging us to vote for them, and all this on the very first time we've met them. We've also, in a very literal sense, had enough of pamphlets. While the amount of money(I'm guessing quite a lot) you've spent is entirely your concern, the 3 fliers I have been finding slid under my door for the past week have been harder to catch hold and dispose of than the occasional moth. And when you did turn up, as it is customary among your breed to do, all you managed to influence was the Age of Mythology game I was playing on LAN. Another of your kind accosted us at Amul, and made us listen to a full two minutes of the crap he was spouting. In short, you've made life on campus terrible, and we know you'll do nothing once you're elected. If you think you'll get a letter recommending how awesome you've been as whatever post you're contesting for or something, you're wrong. And this for some odd reason, you fail to apprehend. Go get a life.

P.S. Did I mention how awesome your website was? The colors remind me of this drawing I made when I was in the first grade...

The candidate:

Let's agree for a moment that I've managed to make life difficult in the campus for you during the past week. What you fail to realise, is that you're as much a member of the campus as I am. The only difference being, I filed a nomination and you didn't. Things that happen around the campus affect you as much as they do. Unlike you, I choose to be a part of things that affect me. And all you've lost is some time listening to what I have to say, and a LAN game. Things that perhaps look serious to you, because you haven't put any thought into what the elections mean for you. As for the fliers and the website are concerned, there was no other way to get my point across. Posters were banned this year, something you'd probably know.

I've done nothing what you wouldn't have done in my shoes. What you've called ass-licking, is actually me interacting with people, telling them who I was and what I planned to do. I did not ask them not to vote for someone else, I didn't promise anything that couldn't be done. Tell me there's any better way to have done this. When you say I won't keep my promises, or I'm doing all this for recognition, you assume a lot. In other words, you're assuming I'm doing what you would have.

Considering you're going to vote for a friend of yours anyway, calling me a hypocrite is just thick.

All I ask you to do, is to make an informed choice. For once, give it a serious thought. Apathy, as they say, is death.

P.P.S. The (whatever little) positivity that is there in this post, is probably due to Iron & Wine on loop. No other apparent reason. Do sample.

Achtung Baby!

Let's begin with a little philosophy. Philosophy's totally the 'in' thing nowadays anyway. (Has been so for a long time, as a matter of fact. Refuse to digress.) People are (in general, always exceptions) considered to be quite a few rungs above animals in the evolutionary hierarchy. For most of us, this is true just because we exist. Some of us are not so lucky and have to work very hard to put up a decent show. But you know, some things will never change. Some basic functional similarities, just because an organism's heart beats. What I'm talking about is(and don't tell me you were expecting this), is the need to look cool.

Every organism does what it thinks it's cool to do. A moth dances around a light for no apparent reason, a dog licks its own ass, a person(being at the pinnacle of evolution that he/she is) does a variety of things. Since blogging about animals is no fun as they can't hit back, let's focus on people in India and list a few, shall we?

• People and music : Some music by definition is cool. Some on the other hand...Auto wallahs listen to item numbers, people sitting inside the autos listen to Metallica. Both pump up the volume when a hot chick walks by, no idea why. Some just pretend to be U2 fans.

• People and books : Half of India thinks Chetan Bhagat's cool. The other half, have actually read his books. Books based on movies are cool too. You can claim you've read them and none the wiser. For example, for people who think they've read The Lord of the Rings, you wouldn't happen to remember who Glorfindel was, would you?

• People and blogging : The less said the better :P

• People and movies : Now this, depends on the people you hang out with to a large extent. For example, claiming to have watched 'Gunda' might not be cool everywhere. Hardly anybody understood Inception, but everybody facebooked(and/or blogged) about it, just because they thought it made them cool. Another example, watching a Hitchcock movie might be cool with your Saturday morning movie club, but your friends will call you a stuck up ass. (They usually do anyway so it mightn't matter.)

• People and sports : Ah, finally. For the average Indian college goer, tell me you're not guilty of claiming to support a certain club in the EPL, and I won't believe you. Girls can be pardoned I guess. (You know how it is with girls and footballers ;) ) Supporting Mannu just because it's the only club you've heard about is well, lame. Supporting an Italian or Spanish club just because you think it's exotic, ergo, it's cool, is kinda stupid too. You might say you genuinely think they're good, but it's not as if anybody's gonna believe you anytime soon :P

• People and facebook : A large percentage of attempting to look cool on facebook includes shortening words. The question is who decides what's cool and what's not? As a general rule of thumb, if it looks lame to you, it is(duh!). A couple examples, 'ma' is generally used as a term of endearment for one's mother. Generally speaking, never use as a short form for 'my' because it's not, and if you're genuinely missing your mom, give her a call or something. '\m/' is often abused to the extent that it becomes redundant. Most people know when to use it, but I've come across, 'Had a horrible day :( \m/' too so you never know. 'Oh and 'Suppalike's' gay btw. Just so you know.

• People and the World Cup : Just in context you know, so worth a mention. People do everything, from supporting England to wanting Argentina to win just so because of the Maradona thingy(Maradona's thingy? I dunno.. ;) )

• People and popular culture : Probably encompasses everything already talked about. You've got to be cautious when you make references to something. Say for example, the retort you make to somebody on facebook, doesn't remain witty if it's not caught. Making references to loads of things, eliminates a large part of your audience, (given there's any to begin with of course.) If you've heard of Venn diagrams, the idea should be pretty obvious.

Some would say looking cool is in your own head. You do what you do best, you do what you feel like. If you don't give a damn about what people think, everything's hunk-dory right? Wrong.

So you've gotta be very careful about what you do and refrain from doing anything that looks even remotely out of place right? Wrong Again. Go figure :P