SUCKY-MAN

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Oh wait..yep it is.”

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Disclaimer :
While this act of blasphemy might not go down very well with the Superman fanboys, this is a risk I’ve got to take for reasons I shall explain soon. If I do end up getting lynched in a public place, my lawyer(s) will know who to (pur?)sue.

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Let’s begin by facing a truth, shall we? And this truth, believe it or not, involves you. The thing is that I happen to know that you sir, are a geek. Don’t ask me how. It’s just one of those things you know.

(For example, if you were to find one fine day that the food in the mess is um..tolerable, you’d know for a fact that one of two things have occurred, a) you’re in a dream or b) you’ve somehow managed to get yourself transported to a parallel universe. Any other possibilities that you come up with can mathematically be shown to be equal to either of these two, I'd go into the space-time calculations here, but it's what people love to call, 'out of scope').

Anyway, not to be digressing, working on the more than decent assumption that you’re a geek, it’d be logical to surmise that you’d have a favourite superhero. And if that’s Superman, you’re in for a treat.

If you were to sit back and spend some time thinking of reasons about why Superman is well..just lame, I’d bet that you’d come up with quite a few. Here's a few I could think of,

• The Hairstyle. Not only is Superman's hairstyle out of fashion since the 1960's, it's something that looks just about decent almost exclusively on a pet poodle. It's probably okay though if Superman's actually a transvestite or something, anyone know for sure?

• The Disguise. A disguise Lex Luthor's grandchild would have seen through. Too bad he doesn't have one.

• The Name. A name that he probably should have had changed or something. I mean come on, if it wasn't enough that he wears bright red knickers on a skin tight blue thingy, the dude calls himself Superman! Even if it were the people who gave him the name, everybody has rights. An affidavit to change one’s name doesn’t take much time, does it?

• The IQ. Or let's just say, the lack of it. Speculatively, it should be somewhere around just lesser than Forrest Gump's, likely equal to Megan Fox's.

• The Melodrama. If only you could win girls over by catching them while they fell from high rise structures...we'd at least know for sure what works..

• The Outfit. A RED cape. BLUE tights. RED knickers worn over his pants. Enough said.

Reasons enough? I guessed as much :P

The above borrows heavily from a Batman vs Superman conversation I had with a friend a few days back. Hope I've proven a point.

On Life, the Universe and Everything.

42.

THAT IS MAHALAKSHMI!

(If you're a retard, or you're slightly off the rocker, avoid going to Texas. The 'slow' people as they're called there, get the chair, no questions asked. No seriously they do, no kidding.)

Before the retard catchers from Texas arrive at my doorstep, let me clarify. 'THAT IS MAHALAKSHMI' was what this huge poster I saw yesterday read. What was weird was where...on the college main stage. Most people found this stupid, because it was, and annoying, because they'd blocked the winding road through the rocks which people generally took and everybody had to use the longer route.

For some unfathomable reason however, I found this incredibly funny and broke into laughter when I first saw this..this..abomination. Pretty similar to how every dark cloud has a silver lining blah blah blah, most occurrences have a funny side. And this isn't just philosophy, it's hard fact. We've always been preaching about how 'taking lite' was the better thing to do, how many times have we 'taken lite' ourselves? (For people who don't know what 'taking lite' is, shame on ye' fellers!)

I could give you say..6 reasons why this poster is hilarious. No? Here goes.

• Picture this. A film company travels 40 kms to the outskirts of Hyderabad to an engineering college, just to put up a large 10 feet by 10 feet poster which says.....'THAT IS MAHALAKSHMI! ' :D
• Try as hard as you might, it's kinda hard to think of what context this could be used in a movie. Knowing Tollywood films however, if they had a song sequence where they repeated 'THAT IS MAHALAKSHMI!' over and over while gyrating in front of the poster in question, I for one, wouldn't be surprised. That the locals would love this, is probably even funnier :P
• I know, a thought bubble! Like for example, our hero sees his long lost love or something after a long time. How do we know what he's thinking? 'THAT IS MAHALAKSHMI!'
• Or it could just be wrong grammar. They probably meant 'THIS IS MAHALAKSHMI!' instead of 'THAT IS MAHALAKSHMI!'. Publicizing the fact that you've no idea how simple English Grammar works on a very large poster is just plain and simple awesome.
• Or it could be something that makes sense. Like when the film ends, and the director(probably somebody called Mahalakshmi) expects everyone to be touched or crying or something. (Trust me, doesn't take much to touch people around here :P) And he signs off saying something like, 'See? THAT IS MAHALAKSHMI!' Makes sense, but still funny.

Did I say 6 reasons? Everybody lies :P

Poli-Poli...

I just had to do one on the elections. It's all the rage now, and everybody else's doing it. Because I feel very divided, not to add undecided on the issue, I'll do both sides of a debate. Imagining a whole conversation could sound creepy, not to add pretty tough to some, but it's a matter of habit really. For practice, imagine you're having one with Scarlet Johansson, it helps :P

Me:

While we have had enough of people bitching about why so-and-so's manifesto sucks ass and why 'NONE' is the best choice to pick in this year's campus elections, not most of our grievances are unjust. We've seen just about enough of how dirty politics can get. We've seen almost everything possible, from people licking first-year-student ass to people trying to manipulate us, begging us to vote for them, and all this on the very first time we've met them. We've also, in a very literal sense, had enough of pamphlets. While the amount of money(I'm guessing quite a lot) you've spent is entirely your concern, the 3 fliers I have been finding slid under my door for the past week have been harder to catch hold and dispose of than the occasional moth. And when you did turn up, as it is customary among your breed to do, all you managed to influence was the Age of Mythology game I was playing on LAN. Another of your kind accosted us at Amul, and made us listen to a full two minutes of the crap he was spouting. In short, you've made life on campus terrible, and we know you'll do nothing once you're elected. If you think you'll get a letter recommending how awesome you've been as whatever post you're contesting for or something, you're wrong. And this for some odd reason, you fail to apprehend. Go get a life.

P.S. Did I mention how awesome your website was? The colors remind me of this drawing I made when I was in the first grade...

The candidate:

Let's agree for a moment that I've managed to make life difficult in the campus for you during the past week. What you fail to realise, is that you're as much a member of the campus as I am. The only difference being, I filed a nomination and you didn't. Things that happen around the campus affect you as much as they do. Unlike you, I choose to be a part of things that affect me. And all you've lost is some time listening to what I have to say, and a LAN game. Things that perhaps look serious to you, because you haven't put any thought into what the elections mean for you. As for the fliers and the website are concerned, there was no other way to get my point across. Posters were banned this year, something you'd probably know.

I've done nothing what you wouldn't have done in my shoes. What you've called ass-licking, is actually me interacting with people, telling them who I was and what I planned to do. I did not ask them not to vote for someone else, I didn't promise anything that couldn't be done. Tell me there's any better way to have done this. When you say I won't keep my promises, or I'm doing all this for recognition, you assume a lot. In other words, you're assuming I'm doing what you would have.

Considering you're going to vote for a friend of yours anyway, calling me a hypocrite is just thick.

All I ask you to do, is to make an informed choice. For once, give it a serious thought. Apathy, as they say, is death.

P.P.S. The (whatever little) positivity that is there in this post, is probably due to Iron & Wine on loop. No other apparent reason. Do sample.